"You're gone but your presence remains. And that is why I am going insane."
~Taylor LN
AVINASH's POV
My heart hammers in my chest like a mad prisoner desperate for escape. My fingers wrap tightly around the steering wheel as I try to regulate my breathing. I hold my breath in for four seconds and then let it out slowly through my mouth as I count to four.
There was a time when I could handle stress well, but not anymore.
I lost that part of me when I watched the love of my life die in front of my eyes. My heart shattered into pieces when a bullet pierced her chest as the blood oozed out from it and I held her lifeless body in my arms. Her chest wouldn't move up and down in the soft rhythm that it used to.
So, if anybody understands pain, it's me. I know very well how it feels when someone you love and care about so dearly leaves you. Which is why I understand Aadi more than anyone else.
I was there when he struggled with accepting his feelings. I witnessed the slight changes in him as he fell harder in love every day. Vanie taught him love, she brought out parts of him that were buried deep inside him. She made him more human.
So, I stood by his side as he struggled to find a way to get Vanie back. Yet, none of it triggered me as much as coming to Arora Elite Estates did.
I came here to confront Sidya, the woman behind the mess. But the moment I heard her voice, I felt my heart flutter in my chest frantically.
The voice. The similar voice. It unfurled something inside me as my heart jumped to life with hope.
But when I turned around, my hope vanished into thin air as the reality dawned upon me.
I turned around with the hope of miraculously finding my dead woman, but instead my eyes met an arrogant, overbearing, spoiled daddy's princess who thinks everyone will come and just fall to her feet.
She is a witch who breeds on other people's misery and wears an invisible 'bitch' crown. Standing in front of me was the she devil, dressed in high-waisted black bell bottoms with a golden belt around her waist, and a cream coloured, off shoulder blouse with her curly black hair framing her face.
Her deep red lips parted the moment I turned around and my eyes met her siren eyes.
In the last four years, I have been tricked by my brain enough times to not believe everything. It keeps looking for her in everything. But never before has my heart reacted the way it did today.
I have heard voices similar to Amirah's before, but none so similar. It could partly be because her voice has started to fade and become a distant memory, so I no longer recognise it, and probably just assume every foreign voice to be hers. But only I know the way my heart jumped when I heard her call me trash.
I didn't even register her words at first. I was caught off guard, but the moment I saw her face, I knew I was wrong.
It wasn't my Amirah.
I spiralled hard after her death. Things started going downhill the moment she left my side. Like every good thing that was mine abandoned me, and I became a magnet for bad luck. She was the spark in my otherwise dull life. So, I knew better than to lose my shit over a voice.
But that isn't the reason behind my restlessness and palpitating heart.
In her office, I felt something weird in the pit of my stomach. When I leaned over her table, our faces were only inches apart, I finally noticed her eyes. I have seen eyes like Amirah's little more than a hundred times. Let's face it, every other person is born with brown eyes.
But I felt her eyes. I felt the brown of her eyes pulling me in, as if trying to consume me whole.
The resemblance was uncanny. I couldn't move even if I wanted to.
If it weren't for the absence of freckles on the corner of her right eye, I would have assumed she was Amirah.
But even if she had freckles, my Amirah was dead.
It was just the universe playing some sick, twisted joke on me, and trying to push me back into the dark corners of my mind.
It isn't like there is much light left in me. The light abandoned my life to accompany her. So, I have to live in the darkness till the day I see her again.
Until then, my only option is to visit her whenever I feel my heart failing and giving up on a life without her.
I park my car under a tree in the dark alley outside the Amirah's house. The graveyard. That is where she lives.
As usual I grab the red roses I bought on my way here. It's unbecoming to meet your woman empty handed. Usually I would bring her a letter, too, but today wasn't planned.
Initially, I used to visit her every day, but then I realised it wasn't healthy. My father played a very important role in limiting my visits to her. I obliged without any strong argument.
I am not only responsible for myself, but also my family.
Whatever I do affects my little sister, Riva. She needs me more. So, I had to cut my obsession with coming down and spending time with someone who died four years ago and probably doesn't need my time.
But not today. Today I broke my own rule by visiting her twice a week. I was restless. My heart hasn't stopped pounding in my chest, and this is the only way I know to bring it peace.
Watching Aadi lose control and do things out of desperation, reminded me of her. Aadi had the option, the opportunity to bring Vanie back, I never got that. My love, my future was snatched right out of my hands, as I was pushed to the ground on my knees. I witnessed my world crumble down on me.
My throat constricts as I stride towards the dark corner of the cemetery, where she rests. I step on dried leaves and the crunch from my footsteps fill the air around me bringing me back to reality, away from the horrors of my past.
My mind starts emptying and my heart races for an entirely different reason with every step I take. Absent-mindedly, I start running my hands over my white plain shirt as I try to straighten it. Then I run my fingers in my hair, trying to make them look presentable.
My feet automatically pause as I reach a very familiar grey stone. The back of my eyes hurt as they slowly move along the length of the stone and read her name and date of death.
She was just 22.
I slowly bend down and cross my legs as I sit beside her. I take out the white handkerchief from my back pocket and move it across the length of her grave, cleaning it. Then I place the red roses I bought for her.
"I know I am not supposed to be here." My voice breaks slightly at the end. Trying to compose myself, I run the pads of my finger along her name as I breathe through my mouth. This block of concrete is the only proof that Triple A existed and is not just a fragment of my imagination. The only proof that I am not going insane.
No matter how much everyone tried to force her out of my memories, they never succeeded. Avinash Kapoor wouldn't exist if the first thought of his day wasn't her.
It's funny how I spent a year falling in love with her, only to spend the rest of my life without her. Every now and then I am hit with the sudden gust of reality that reminds me what I lost four years back.
We all have one chance at love, I lost mine with her. And witnessing everyone find their forever makes my heart ache, because my forever includes nothing but pain.
Don't get me wrong, I would do anything to protect people from suffering a fate like mine's, but that doesn't mean I am content with it.
I didn't just lose Amirah that day, I lost my faith, myself and everything I have ever worked for.
I slowly lay down on the grass. I place both my arms over my chest as I stare at the sky covered with white, silver, red and hues of orange. I still have some time before the mandatory weekly dinner at my parents.
I try to soak in my time here, but my brain keeps drifting back to an interaction I had earlier today. Sidya's face and the words she spoke keep coming in front of me every time I try to close my eyes.
The way her hands gripped the chair. She was calm, yet a storm brewed in her eyes. The way she looked at me. It wasn't just....dislike, but something entirely different. There were times I thought she would jump on me and claw my face with her long witch like nails, but then she sat in her boss chair looking as collected as ever. The woman didn't even have a sliver of remorse for what she did.
I shake my head.
She probably never lost someone.
I force my thoughts to stop thinking about her, but it feels like a task. I only have limited time before I have to be at my parents' house. My father is very punctual, and I definitely don't need him breathing down my throat for not respecting time.
ʚ☆ɞ
I step out of my car and walk towards the main gate. If it were for me, I would have stayed with Amirah, but the dinner couldn't be cancelled.
My family, except me, lives in a mansion outside the city. We moved here when my mother was still alive, and very much sick.
The place was meant to provide her with a clean, stress free environment, but she didn't get to live here much. She was always in the hospital and due to our house being away from the city, I barely ever got the chance to go see her.
I was just a kid, and my father wanted to shield me from the pain of seeing my mother struggle every day to keep breathing. She died after two years of constant suffering in the hospital.
The gravity of the situation didn't hit me that day, but months later. It still weighs me down sometimes.
I never got a chance to say goodbye.
I push open the door and suddenly breathing becomes a task. My relationship with my father has seen better days. Since the day I lost our company, I haven't been able to look him in the eyes.
It's like I don't know how to react.
I maintain my distance from my family for the most time, except dinner nights. And the reason I still show up to the dinners, even after constant arguments with my dad, is my little sister. She deserves a much better family where we all are available for her.
Nothing that went down was her fault. She is just a child, and a child deserves a safe environment, safe home and safe people growing up.
My gloomy mood instantly changes as I hear a shrilling voice.
"Avi bhayia!"
My lips curl upward as I grab my little sister in my arms and throw her in the air. She shrieks and giggles as I catch her back. Her head falls on my chest and her giggles grow louder.
She is the only source of hope left in my life.
"How's my little monster?" I place a soft kiss against her forehead.
She moves her legs in excitement as she starts babbling about school. She flaps her arms in the air as she tells me every little detail from the pencil she used to the food she ate. For someone who despised going to school a few years back, she has grown quite fond of it.
My stepmother along with my father walks out from the living room towards the corridor. I try my best to keep my focus on Riva instead of my father or the unpleasant thoughts.
As usual my father wraps his arm around my shoulders as he tries to hug me, but I duck out of his hold and move towards my stepmother instead.
Things have changed. Our relationship has only strained over the last four years. One would have thought that I would have grown even closer to my father after Triple A's death, considering my father lost his first wife and should have understood my pain better than anyone else, but that's not the truth.
The two of us have only repeatedly repelled each other, like two like poles. Our fate's might seem linked in some twisted manner, but our thoughts, our goals, our beliefs are different. We are different.
He doesn't approve of my ways, and I don't like following his', at least not anymore.
I touch her feet as I adjust Riva in my arms, then I nod at my father and touch his feet too.
He tries to hold my shoulders and pull me in for a hug, again, but I avoid it.
"Riva, why don't you show Avi bhaiya the art you made today." My stepmother opens her arms as she asks Riva to get down mines. I don't want to let her go, because she is the only one who makes this house bearable, but I reluctantly loosen my hold on her as I put her down.
My arms relax a little. She has grown taller and it has gotten harder to limit her in my arms like I used to when she was younger.
She starts jumping out of excitement as she runs towards her room to fetch the art. She just turned 11, but everytime I see her, I see the little baby the 17 year old me once held in his palms.
"Be careful," I say after her.
My father clears his throat. And I watch the silent conversation take place between my parents.
"I will go after her." My stepmother gives me a weak smile as she walks away, probably to give me and my father space.
But no amount of space will ever be enough.
"You went to the graveyard." He steps forward.
Instead of facing him, I turn around to avoid eye contact.
"I did." I don't try denying it. My father has eyes everywhere and lying would only complicate the situation further.
"We had a deal, Avi. You said you won't visit her more than once a week. Do you even care about us? What about Riva, huh?" He jerks my shoulder backwards.
My father hates it when I visit Amirah. He even thinks she is the reason behind why I lost our company and am no longer interested in building it back or why I am no longer close to my father.
But he is wrong.
She is the only reason I still try to make an effort when it comes to family. This shit with my family and business is complicated, so for most of the time even I try to avoid addressing it, except dinner nights.
Because on dinner nights, I am forced to face the ghost of the relationship I once shared with my father, or the dreams that I once had. He expects me to one day get my senses back and accept everything he says. But that's not going to happen.
I lost the company. I tried my best, but failed. There is nothing else left to do now.
"I am here, aren't I? The deal was me showing up here weekly for dinner. I have kept my part of the deal, I suggest you do the same by staying out of my life." I clench my jaws. It's funny how much my life and I have changed over the span of four years.
I turn around only to find him staring at me with glass eyes.
"She must have been the one who got shot that day, but it's my son who died." He frantically shakes his head as his eyes widen. "I am not going to stop until I get my son back."
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