"I want him, but I also want to get over him, and neither are happening."
~Anonymous
SIDYA's POV
I shake my right leg frantically as I sit in the chair next to Avinash. Just a few hours ago I was happy and ready to rule the world, and now here I am ridden with anxiety as my heart hammers against my sternum.
In the past few hours, I have questioned myself more times than I would like to admit. Four years ago, I promised my father that no one will ever know the truth. But here I was, bluffing my way as I revealed my true skills to the men I didn't trust a bit.
I lied.
I told them I had a private tutor, which was clearly a white lie, and they should have been able to see right through it, but both of them are equally oblivious to little details.
When I accepted that I was the hacker who brought all this onto them, I was anxious about Avinash suspecting something, maybe some pattern in the way I worked, or maybe questioning me, anything a little more than just refusing to believe what I had told him, but he did no such thing.
Maybe, I was secretly hoping for him to question me and my identity. Maybe I secretly wanted him to figure out that I was Amirah Aiza Ahmad, the woman he fell in love with, because that would have given me the reason to actually be mad at him and express it openly. But as always the man continues to disappoint me, he didn't doubt a thing.
If he did, I would have had the chance to get my revenge, to make him suffer, but not now.
My father made me promise to always keep Amirah's identity secret. It was one of the conditions my father had before agreeing to let me take up that course at VAR.
VAR is a dangerous and shady place, filled with mystery. People who come there are messed up in one way or the other. Most of them have problematic, lethal family backgrounds. And I have always been my father's pampered little princess, and he would have never let me study there, if it risked my existence in any way.
So he made me promise to fake an identity, to live an entire year as a person I had never met or known and then die.
That's exactly what I did.
I spent a year learning, while my father plotted the perfect death for Amirah, and on the day of my graduation, we executed the plan.
Even after an entire year of studying hard and being ahead of everyone, I wasn't the one awarded in the end. It was this asshole next to me who received the trophy after I died.
No matter how much I resent him for it now, back then I was happy for him.
Don't get me wrong. At that time I didn't know that he would deceive me. My initial plan had been to wait for six months and then tell him my truth.
I loved him then, and was devastated at the thought of spending six months away from him, while I faked studying at Harvard. But at the same time, I was happy when I saw him receive that trophy. I was happy for his success.
Even though my heart was ripped right out of my chest when I watched him fall to the ground and mourn my death, I could still feel happiness radiating through me when I witnessed his dreams come true. The moment he received that trophy, his father announced him as his successor. I cried when Avinash took over his father's empire, because I could see his vision becoming his reality.
I had wanted to run there, hug him and console him when he cried over my death, but I couldn't.
I didn't even tell my father about him, because I wanted to apologise to Avinash for lying about my identity first. I wanted to win him back and then introduce him to my father, but that didn't happen.
During those 6 months I kept an eye on him and I found his truth. The secrets he hid, the games he played. My initial plan wasn't to find out his secrets, it was to stay close to the man I once thought I loved by keeping an update about his life.
Guess I just got a little too updated about the double life he lived.
He was a monster who woke up every morning, wore a mask and acted like a saint.
And every time I looked at him, I saw him for what he really was. A betrayer, a deceiver, a liar, a manipulator and a sinner.
The only reason I even let him enter my place and be near things that are mine, is Vanie.
She left the house this morning and was kidnapped by someone. I saw the video, I saw her struggle as she tried to fight the men off and fill her lungs with air. My blood went cold with fear when she fell down to the ground.
Aadish, her fiance, was frantic when he saw the video, and with every pained expression on his face the guilt in my heart grew stronger.
I did this.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the said thought out of my head.
It's because of me Vanie was taken.
If Aadish were there, he would have never let this happen. I pushed Aadish and Vanie apart because I couldn't deal with my trauma. I remember what my father told me when I came back yesterday.
"You are still stuck in the past. It wasn't a big problem before, but now, you are dragging your loved ones down there with you because you are scared. It's time you move on, princess."
The reminder of my weakness makes my eyes burn. I feel my throat tightening as my cheeks heat up and vision gets slightly blurred. I lower my eyes instantly and focus on my lap as my cherry red nails start picking on my skin.
Get your shit together.
I close my eyes for a brief second as I remind myself of some things.
You did what was right and you didn't push them away, you only represented them with the truth. And as far as this situation is concerned , you still have a chance. You can still correct your mistakes, still clear the mess you created.
I am pulled out of my thoughts when a strong hand wraps around my thigh and the heat from the calloused fingers and veiny hands start travelling up my body. Just with his touch my body's temperature rises and my surroundings along with my common sense vanishes into nothingness. My heart flutters, like the wings of a butterfly, at the sight of his hand wrapped around my thigh.
"Can you stop shaking your leg? Some of us have work to do and would like not to be distracted," he says in a bitter tone.
His voice is an enough reminder to pull me out of the spell his past self has on me. My jaws clench, this is an involuntary reaction my body has to his sound or the sight of his face as it reminds me why I have been furious at him — both, in the past and present.
He has no right wrecking my world and then living in his' with no guilt.
I push his hand away from my thigh in a single jerk. I blink fast as I try to push the tears back, making sure to not let him see me look so weak and then raise my head to meet his gaze.
"Next time, you touch me with your filthy fingers without permission, I will make sure they are no longer a part of your body." I tighten my jaw as I stare into his eyes with hate and determination.
Since Aadish left us alone, I have been holding myself back from pinning him to the ground and screaming in his face, hitting him and making him pay for what he did. But I can't, because that would make me an equal partner in his crime. He will know my truth and then I will be obliged to make him pay for what he did and show the world his real face. And that is something I am not yet ready to address. I never will be.
"I seriously do not have time to address your tantrums. I am here to make sure they both get home safely. So, if you can't contribute to the said task, just walk out of the room. It's not like you care for anyone else but yourself." He turns his face away from mine with a single shake of his head, like I disgust him. And for some reason this knowledge makes it harder for me to breathe.
I continue staring at him as he stares at the screen in front of him. I bring my focus to his expressions. He looks annoyed, mad and frustrated. I am sure I am the reason behind these emotions.
It makes me laugh at my destiny, because when he looks at me, he sees a woman who is nothing but a cold, selfish and narcissistic bitch. And that makes him hate me and get angry at me. But when I look at him, I recall the man he once was, and the lack of that man in him makes me hate him, because it reminds of how he fooled me, how he deceived the one he said he loved the most.
I am the only one who has the right to be disgusted by his presence and existence, not the other way round.
"Unlike your popular belief, I do care. She is not just my best friend, she is my family. And whatever I did, was because I wanted to protect her from monsters who disguise as saints. I am pretty sure that you are familiar with that kind, because every time you look into the mirror, you must find that kind staring back at you." I narrow my eyes on his face. Insulting him and stabbing him with my words always fills my chest with a different kind of joy.
The muscles in his cheeks feather a little as he tightens his jaw. He looks away soon after. For some weird, messed up reason I find the said action very intriguing. I cross my legs and sit straight as I swallow uncomfortably.
It's not the time.
"Sidya, I do not have the energy to argue with you today. I have lost a loved one, I know how it feels. I won't let Aadi and Vanie face that fate. So, if you really consider her your family, I would really appreciate it if you could stop jeopardising her life. If it weren't for you none of this would have even happened."
He turns his head to face me, and the moment his eyes meet mine, I feel like the smallest person on the earth.
This is not how he used to look at me.
His harsh gaze pushes the blade right through my heart and the presence of disgust and hate in them twists the blade, making me bleed.
"You are just a spoiled kid who threw a tantrum because things weren't working out the way you wanted and now because of you two peoples lives are at risk."
No matter how much I want to fight back, I know it is the truth. Yet, I can't help myself from obsessively focusing my energy on hating him.
The reason he is so focused on the task and I am not, is because I never got that closure. He mourned my death and moved on, but I didn’t. And being in his presence makes me an emotional mess. I always let my dislike for him win. I always let the hate I carry in my heart win.
The need to demand answers for why he did it always overpower everything else. But I can't just demand answers from him without revealing my identity.
And even if I could, today is not the time to battle him, today is the time to work together and get them back. But I am also not letting it slide. Nobody talks to me disrespectfully and gets away with it. He needs to be shown his place.
"If it weren't for the spoiled kid, you wouldn't even have figured it out. You are in my space, using my setup and following my lead. So mind your fucking tone while talking to me, because clearly I am the leader here."
I am Sidya Arora and the first thing my father taught me was to demand respect. Be bold enough to demand it, and then prove that you deserve it.
I push my chair away as I move towards another PC, away from him. Sitting in this close proximity pushes me off balance. His cologne consumes my entire existence, making me nothing but a desperate mess. I have to move on. I have to let him go, just like he did.
He lied, he deceived, he betrayed. And it's not fair that I keep punishing myself like this. This hate that I carry in my heart is in no way affecting him, but me.
I never knew him, he never knew me. Amirah died and so did the relationship she shared with this man. I am not her, she is not me. And no matter how much I crave, I can never bring the man I once knew back into my life. He never existed.
I have one chance at repentance. I can still make things right. Aadish is risking his life by surrendering himself. And it's my responsibility to make sure they both come back home safe.
It's time I move on. Projecting my fears at people is of no use. My father is right, a man who made me suffer like this can never be worthy of my pain.
It's time I take the control back.
I focus on the tracker, completely avoiding his existence. It's only when we find out where they are keeping Vanie and Aadish, that both of us look at each other.
No matter how much I hate him, I need to work as a team with him. I need to coordinate with him.
I grab the car keys from my side and throw them in the air towards him. "Prove yourself useful by driving us there."
What? I never said I won't take jabs at him.
He doesn't say anything, but his reaction is enough to tell me he didn't like what I said. My lips automatically lift in a smile as I push the chair back.
We both walk out of the door. I changed my clothes as soon as Aadish left. And without heels, I stand 5 feet 10 inches tall. The last thing I want today is having to look up at him as I talk to him. I prefer looking down on him, but that has only ever happened in my dreams, when his face is buried between my thighs as my fingers move carelessly in his hair.
My mouth dries at the memory and I internally curse myself.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
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Hey! I AM REALLY SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING THE STORY LAST WEEK🫶🏻. I had some things I needed to work on.
SCHEDULE:- EVERY SUNDAY
Lately I have had a lot on my plate and I don’t think I can write 2 chapters a week, because that just leads to me pushing myself and then failing to write even one chapter🥲. So, let’s just stick to this schedule. If things change in the future, I will let you all know🫂🫶🏻.
Also, I have been super inactive on Instagram lately🥲. I am still trying to find a balance, thank you for sticking through it 💗.
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